Old Complexes

One huge gift of aging is that old complexes begin to lose their grip - I hope!  One of my ancient complexes is the need to be right.  I won't claim that this old internal crocodile has given up.  It's still very much alive.  But it doesn't create quite the same terror it used to.

One aspect of this complex was the need to always be up-to-date about world events.  For example, I felt truly ashamed if a conversation started about a country or a war that I wasn't aware of, especially if the country name was unfamiliar to me or I didn't understand the political implications of the conflict.  I needed to have a clear postion on every territorial dispute  and  the right answer on how it should be solved.  It was exhausting!

Now, while I still try to be aware of world events, I realize that I don't need to have an answer to every world problem.  In fact, I'm often at a loss about what can be done.  Not only does this remove a huge amount of pressure, I'm finding that I'm more open to questioning myself when I spring to a position.  I think this might even be wiser! 

Identity

I've had two strong identities for most of my adult life.  One was "mother;"  the other was "consultant."  Both of these identities took on different meanings at different times but I always knew who I was, as I anchored myself in my child's life and my work.  I don't have a single regret about the amount of time and energy I put into them.  They were, in a sense, my callings.  And I loved "being them." 

But now I need a new identity - one that relates to my inner world, not my relationship with my external world.  I'm not at all sure how this process will unfold but I have a pretty strong faith that it will.

Many of my friends moved into "grandparent" with vigour.  While I look forward to that time, that continues to define one according to external relationships so it's not what I'm looking for.

Is "identity" the same as "personna?"   Does it only have to do with how we present ourselves to the world?     

Relationships

I find that as I age, my relationships change.  Is this just a function of time passing or do I require different things from my relationships now that I'm older?  I'll leave aside my relationship with my family for another time and talk, instead, about friendships. 

When I was younger, I thought that friendships were forever.  When a friendship proved not to be lasting, I assumed that it had not been a "true" friendship.  I worked hard at maintaining them.  I actually had a follow up system to be sure I kept in touch with everyone regularly.  I loved throwing parties for hordes of people.  To some extent, I judged my worth in terms of how many people were in my network.

Now I realize that friends come into and out of my life as they need me and I need them.  I continue to see some people with whom I have little in common because we share a history and they still see me as the person they knew "when."  These friends help me to tangibly retain my past.  But the people I'm most likely to enjoy spending time with (aside from family) are those who are exploring this new terrain.  Those people change from time to time.  Old friends reappear to share new insights and experiences.  New acquaintances turn into friends as we share perceptions.  And it's okay when they disappear again for a time.  I don't become less worthy when they are gone.

The gift in this evolving point of view is time alone.  When I don't have to attend to the constant round of keeping relationships up-to-date, I'm actually forming a new friendship with myself.